Deep House? More Like Lame House

This movie is legit so bad and boring, do not watch it. Here’s why not to, in case it’s on your watchlist.

Unfortunately, this is a Blumhouse Pictures movie which breaks my heart because I love them. Jason Blum, if you ever come across this, I am sorry.

Okay, so the last HOUR of the film is for real just the main girl, Tina, swimming around in confusing camera angles, yelling “Ben!! Ben no! Ben stop! Ben, please!” over and over. So if that doesn’t tell you what this movie is like, idk what else will, but let me try…

here's scared little Tina

So, this is an ambitious diving/haunted house movie where a diving couple trusts a weirdo old man stranger to take them to a secret diving spot they’ve been waiting their whole lives for, and it turns out to be an underwater house. They go looking in it and it has like weird chained up dead people in a lab/sadist type room and family heirlooms everywhere of a clearly psychotic family with abuse and kidnapped children posters and idek what else.

Then, spoiler, the bodies keep disappearing and re-appearing and haunt the two divers. Then eventually one of them gets possessed(??) and at the last minute comes back to reality but immediately gets stabbed with the, now alive, many bodies that were probably somewhere in the house but nowhere to be found earlier when they searched every single room. Oh, and the whole time they’re running out of oxygen. There’s your wiki summary.

here's the bodies

There is clearly a lot to work with. It sounds terrifying. Running out of oxygen on its own - hello?? Have you watched 47 Meters Down? Suspense.

Then there’s the dead chained up bodies with torture devices all over the place - yeah, check. I’d be spooked.

And THEN those bodies disappear, harass you, and re-appear exactly where they were before making your boyfriend, the most trusted person in your life and also the only person underwater with you in a creepy house, not believe that you just saw some crazy shit?? Check - get me outta here.

THENNN all the exits and entrances disappear, you get stuck in a chimney underwater, separated from your boyfriend, and when you finally find him again, he’s weird and wants you both to stay in the house with no oxygen. COOL. sign. Me. out.

Lots of fun stuff - love the idea - love underwater stuff - love the haunted house - love it all.

But the elements just did not meld together because the script was terrible and the camera angles/actual events shown were crap. Let me explain.

My theory is that there were issues filming because there are TWO directors listed, which sounds like a bad idea for a lot of reasons. Butting heads, scrapping your ideas to make someone else feel included, compromising, etc etc, all fancy ways to say, sharing the stage is not a director's job. Make your choices and move on.

Here are a lot of the issues I had that I think came from the direction. When you have virtually no conversations happening, and the only angles we get to see are two characters' cameras, via their helmets, and one drone that just scans slowly? I’m bored. The entire film is underwater in this one house, and that's hard to pull off. Things like Gravity and Underwater work because they change locations (meaning not only helmet views), and have an actual narrative directorial style - so we get to see an objective and informative POV. In other words, it’s not the characters using cameras, it’s a film crew filming people being characters. And if they ARE using actual third-party cameras, then my god - bad. It’s just bad.

This film is hard to watch and even understand because it is so flat. It’s worse than found footage, which is a genre I actually enjoy and have made because they can’t control what you see. You just see where the characters look, and then a very slow-paced background/wideshot. Plus there are only two characters, making it even less informative. It’s a big house with a lot of secrets, and we get two cameras. There’s no fun in that because how can I see things they don’t know about and build suspense? Where is the fun in knowing every single thing the characters know? Not to mention, half of the shots you do see are just bubbles, and thrashing - like you can’t even actually see what’s haunting them or scaring them most of the time. It’s just a blur with screaming and you’re supposed to iMaGiNe what happens to them. Boo.

this isn't exactly a bubble shot, but if i showed you a bubble shot it'd just be bubbles.. so.

Now, I say the script was terrible because it’s A, unrealistic, and B, it’s just like, dumb.

Their conversations are lukewarm, and they seem so inexperienced to be doing this dive. Like, yes they have the equipment and whatever, but why the fuck are you in an abandoned secret location from a stranger if you’re not up for some crazy shit? Literally the second a door creaks, fucking Tina is like, “Ben! We need to leave” and the whole time he’s like “Okay babe I love you just a sec” and they never do. Thanks for nothing Ben. Now you’re dead.

And then in the end it SPOILER ***** turns out that the creepy old man stranger belonged to the family of the house they’re in the whole time. And the couple needs to be sacrificed for the dead family that’s haunting them, but it’s not said why or for what purpose. Just a weird family, come back to life, to sacrifice the rarest event of divers visiting their underwater house… LIKE, WHY?? WHAT?? And then for whatever reason, just their young, now old, son, AKA creepy stranger man, is the only one alive on land and luring people to the house for the sacrifices… mmmmmmkay.

PS: stay tuned for the dumbest after-credit scene on the planet…. SPOILER AGAIN*** it’s just another couple of people ready to do the same exact shit. Wow. How. Original. And. Spooky. I’m. Shaking…..

How about we get to see what their sacrifice actually did for this underwater dead family? Can we get a single answer? Thanks.

I feel bad being so harsh on any movie, but at the end of the day, you having fun making it and being proud that you finished a movie and got it distributed doesn’t mean I can’t absolutely hate it… Like, great for you! Not a lot of people finish anything or have shit to show for their lives that they love, so I’m happy for these filmmakers, but this movie is very bad. You had a nice budget and equipment and you blew it. Let me write it next time. Maybe it’ll be good.

Bonus opinions:

Tina sounds like Mandy Moore, specifically in Tangled.

Ben deserved to die, he’s fucking annoying.

I laughed out loud at the end. There’s no point to this movie at all.

OKAY ALSO THEY PLAY A PROJECTOR…. UNDERWATER….. ?????? Sorry if that’s actually possible but that seemed so stupid to me lol.