Relationships: Jealous Much?

Dear AskMeg<3, My significant other has extreme jealousy issues and it's been hard to reassure them everytime that I love them. I still do no matter what, but it's to the point where if another person of their gender walks by I have to pray I don't make accidental eye contact or they cross my eyeline or im being disrespectful/unloyal. I've been self reflective to make sure I'm not consciously staring at people any certain way but my significant other insists that my actions say otherwise. I feel like I'm losing my mind because I don't see anyone else as a potential partner nor do I atleast knowingly feel I'm staring at anyone when out in public and I'm very happy with my relationship but they're really making me question my own sanity and they're not willing to listen to what I have to say. They claim to listen and trust me but they insist my actions say otherwise, maybe they're seeing something I'm not but it's starting to make me get anxiety being out in public. I can't even visit amusement parks with them anymore. I love them so much but they refuse to listen and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to approach stubborn jealousy. (Ironically my last relationship was cold and my partner was hardly affectionate so I got the worst of both worlds 😭)

Sincerely,

Sussy Baka

Dear Sussy Baka,

Hey!!!!! Jealousy is sometimes flattery! It can just be their insecurity passing over into not being able to express how much they love you. It can occasionally also mean you're truly doing something that crosses their boundaries... Unfortunately here, I think you're being a little tossed across a strange line. You seem to truly love this person, have no intentions of cheating or even having a wandering eye, and yet it's not working... I, too, have had to deal with people who were jealous, and out of bounds, even when all the cards were on the table, and I personally chose to leave. This also sounds like a mostly committed relationship, possibly a year+, etc. So, that may not be ideal... I would try simply talking about the issue first... Communication is key, after all, yada yada therapist language. Like you can approach it however you feel comfy - jokey, lighthearted, straightforward, aggressive(maybe more strong? aggression isn't lovey but if this person is also strong and aggressive in their tactics, maybe try to meet their level???). Anyway, if a simple conversation, whatever the style, then you need to take firmer action. Consider speaking to a parent or guardian and see if they have any insight that pertains to their witnessed events between you two. Consider true couple counseling if it is worth it to you... Have a full fight. Fighting and anger is not always bad. No violence or mean-spirited words, because that's not love. But anger is not a bad thing. It is passion, it is dedication, it is a disappointment: case-in-point; valid emotions. If none of these are helpful, you can attempt an ultimatum.

Put this in your own words:

"Stop making me feel small and invalid in my efforts; your insecurity is not mine to hold, it is yours and I have already done everything in my power to make you comfortable, and it is still not enough. Please pull your weight and work on things within yourself, as I have done for you. We are 100/100, not 50/50. I have done what I can. If there are specifics you still feel are under-addressed, please make them known. However, eye contact with a random person of the opposite sex is not a valid insecurity, unfortunately. Humans are allowed to meet eyes. That is a truly unfair request. I hate to invalidate you, but you invalidate my human nature and innocent accidents of life when you forbid this."

Add your own behaviors and extras too. Nothing you told me has sounded gross of like you're in the wrong, so you be the judge.

If you know you did shit wrong, own up to those things. But simply because there are mistakes you have made, doesn't allow for being controlled completely.

Babes. If alllll you feel is anxiety. It's not it.

Love. is not anxious.

I have been in relationships where I thought that was the end of the line for me. And yet it ended, as I thought I would, too. But here I am. In love. Safe. Happy.

You're enough. Be your own judge. Regardless of what you need or who you are with, you need to be happy or you need to be alone...

Submit again with any more questions! xoxo! hope these help! <3